It’s no secret that as k-pop’s stock has risen globally, there are more young people in Korea than ever before striving to become idols, and that it’s a ridiculously competitive industry where something like 0.01% of hopefuls will ever get anywhere close to their dream.  What would inspire such fierce competition, especially in the case of the male groups?  Surely not ego given how much new idol groups are despised, and certainly not money given that even many of the top stars have a bank balance in the negative.  So what does that leave?

Answer: the same thing that inspires just about everything else that men do.

“The male sex drive is so powerful that if it were to be eliminated, the entire economy would crash in one day.  There would be nobody at work, nobody in school.  All we would do is lie around and eat and fart and get fat.  The sex drive is what makes men get up in the morning.  It’s the machine that runs the world.  Why do men want to become successful?  To get women.  For gay men, it’s no different.  You’re ambitious to please your partner.  If women didn’t like criminals, there would be no crime.  If a thief knew women wouldn’t accept the things he buys with stolen money, he wouldn’t steal.  The money would be no good.  Very few men are out there seeking just straight-up blatant power.  In the film Scarface, Al Pacino says, “In this country, first you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.”  He didn’t say, “First you get the women.”  Women were the prize at the end of the climb.” – Ice-T, from “The Ice Opinion“.

I recently found a fascinating Tumblr called “kpop scenarios“.  Most fanfiction sites bore me rigid but what I thought was special and interesting about this site is that it’s a “service” for those who might like to write fanfiction but might not be blessed with any creative writing skills, so you’re getting your fanfic written for you by someone who might be a crazy fangirl just like you, but who has to bend their imagination a bit so they can pretend that they’re into your bias group enough to get “in the zone” to put out some appropriately mushy writing.  There’s a business idea in this somewhere.

However, a quick peruse through the list of scenarios currently available revealed a saddening shortfall: the scenarios lacked realism as they were overly “domesticated” – they didn’t seem to reflect the reality of how people have relationships in the high-pressure world of the music industry.

scen2

Hey you dumb whore, guess what – some guy in a k-pop group doesn’t have time to teach you the “penguin dance”, don’t you think he gets enough of fucking dancing at work?  He probably doesn’t even have time to go shopping either, let alone buy a “bouncy castle” (is this the answer to the age-old question “what do women want”?) – hell, he probably lives in a squalid dorm and doesn’t even have anywhere to PUT your fucking bouncy castle.  Where the fuck do you buy a bouncy castle anyway, I must confessed I’ve never looked into this properly.   He’s more interested in fucking, certainly not in fucking YOU but certainly getting it wet somewhere along the line.

A little-known fact: most idols, when they have sex (which is fairly often – we’ll get to that in a moment), do it in cars.  It’s not hard to figure this out –  after all you can’t fuck in your dorm because it’ll annoy the shit out of the other members, if you go to a hotel with some chick the media will be all over it, and you can’t find a dark alley because there are saesangs everywhere outdoors, so unless you’re fucking some girl who works for the same record company as you (in which case you can probably sneak out and find a vacant room somewhere at company HQ) then the car is really the only option.  K-pop producer Shinsadong Tiger even bragged recently quite openly in the media about how he’s been responsible for arranging several backseat fuckathons like these, and you can bet he’s not the only one lending out his car for “services”.  Korea might be culturally “sexually conservative” as a general rule, but remember we’re also talking about the music industry which is notoriously “sexually unconservative” and has a culture that’s more permissive when it comes to casual hookups.

So how much fucking do these idols actually do?  Are any of them virgins?

Hahahahahahaha.

Hahaha.

Here’s Vice Magazine reporting on Seoul Fashion Week.

You always get the most revealing results about k-pop artists from media that doesn’t usually cover k-pop, because the groups are caught a little off-side by journalists who aren’t aware of standard procedure, and the media themselves don’t give everything the usual spin that is customary.  Relevant part: from 11:14 to 13:14.  Infinite are quite happy to talk candidly about the fact that they’re giving away the D like it’s a fire sale until Woolim Ent. PR reps come storming in and say “we can’t let them film this, quick – shut off the cameras before our precious Infinite reveal they are fucking Dal Shabet and AOA members in the back of the company SUV!”

With all this in mind, I decided to send through a request for some fanfic to “Kpop Scenarios” that would reflect the realities that I felt were lacking in this collection and thereby help rebalance the list in favour of the kind of gritty realism that I try to exemplify in my own writing:

scen1

We’ll see how we go.  So far, I haven’t heard back.  Sadly I don’t think the Tumblr is all that active anymore given that the last visible update is at the end of 2012 but here’s hoping that my requests sparks some more creativity!  Wish me luck!

TrufaxYour mum

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